...So Sullen...

O.C.

Thu, 15 Apr 2004 02:08:04 GMT

Well The O.C. was interesting tonight. I still hate Marissa though. Stupid whore. She's so annoying. And she needs to eat, like, an entire horse or something. I get hungry just looking at her. Seth can paint! Eee! Creative!Seth. And how sad, him talking about how no one talked to him. I wanted to give him a hug. Well, I wanted Ryan to give him a hug. Summer doesn't deserve him, she ignored him for years. Stupid whore. Wow, can you tell I dislike the chicks on the show?

Caleb is a total bastard and Julie is a bitch. Feel sorry for Luke but it's good that he's leaving, there was nothing left for him in Newport anyway. Best line? "Welcome to Portland, Bitch." Wonder how long it will take for a fanfic about that to spring up. The last scene when Ryan, Seth, Marissa and Summer were lying on the bed I had this vision of Seth and Ryan surreptitiously holding hands, the girls having no idea what's going on. You know, everytime that one of the boys kisses the girls I think that the other guy is going to be upset. I get so caught up in this Seth/Ryan fic world that I transfer it to canon. As well it should be.

Previews of next week. Is Ryan going to hit Seth? *bites nails* Well...it could lead to a touching making up, I'm so sorry, I love you scene. Right? Yes. Definitely.

ee!

Wed, 14 Apr 2004 21:35:53 GMT

So I went to see a movie last night, so cute. It's called 'The Prince and I'. I feel like such a 17year old but it was adorable. It's my guilty pleasure of the week and I shall buy it when it comes out on DVD. So there.

I have a new fandom obsession. I downloaded all the eps of The O.C. and well, I fanatically ship Seth and Ryan now. I can't help it. I'm such a slash girl. They're so adorable, and perfect for one another! I mean it's practically canon, come on. And Adam Brody is just too cute, dorky but cute. Adorkable I guess you could say. Damn that's corny. And Benjamin McKenzie is like a young Russel Crow. Aww...

I need to start writing. I really need to start writing. So many ideas...

Biotch

Wed, 31 Mar 2004 18:22:42 GMT

In my French 202 class today we were supposed to be in the language lab, watching a movie. However these women, I think they were faculty members come in and told us they had reserved the room. Interesting because my French Prof, Sayeeda, has that room Mon-Thurs from 10-11, and this was at 10. So they tell her they reserved the room for a meeting, and basically kicked us out. We went to our regular classroom, and Sayeed comes in a few minutes later, crying! These women did not even have the respect and courtesy to let us, to let Sayeeda, know they would need the room. Did they need to use that room? No, they were having a meeting, they could have used any classroom. We're a language class, and I mean we were a class anyway. In an academic institution shouldn't the needs of the students be more important than a couple faculty members not wanting to walk a little further to have their meeting?

And the fact that they made Sayeeda cry, with their blatant disrespect and downright bitchiness about the whole matter is so unnacceptable. My professor is such a nice and friendly woman and they could not even grant her some professional courtesy.

So after class another student and I went to confront the little ringleader of the whole debacle and the woman had the nerve to say that Sayeeda handled the situation innapropriately. We didn't tell her how much she had upset Sayeeda because we didn't want to embarrass our professor. We just told her that we were disappointed that faculty members of a college put their own comfort and needs above the learning of the students. She was a heinous bitch. God. So pissed off.

Watch, I'll get this woman as a professor next semester or something. No idea who she was. Bitch.

Death.

Sat, 06 Mar 2004 07:29:36 GMT

I'm going to fricking kill my roommate. It's 1:30 in the goddamn morning. I got home at 10:30. I have been waiting for 3 fricking hours to try out my new DVD player and she won't get away from the freaking TV. Every. Damn. Night. From like 8-god only knows when, she watches TV. MY freaking TV I may add. Why. WHY. She is monopolizing the damned living room. She never takes out the garbage and there was a really funky smell wafting through the place when I got home tonight. She fills the freezer so full of little baggies of bagels that they fall out and attack me when I open the door. The fridge is filled with strange tubs of food. She has NEVER taken out the garbage. Not this entire semester. God. I am going to kill her. Or maybe just slap her around a bit. Either way there will be blood.

Yikes.

Mon, 01 Mar 2004 05:23:43 GMT

It's been a long time since I've posted. Well...since then I have turned 20, been to London, started a new semester, and not much else. I've jumped headfirst into a new ship, Josh/Sam of The West Wing, as well as remaining obsessed with old favorites. I'm hoping to start keeping up with this journal again, I guess we'll see.

Damn

Thu, 13 Nov 2003 06:43:36 GMT

It has been a long time since I've posted. So long I am sure no one comes here anymore. Oh well. So my roommate thinks she might drop out of school here and go somewhere else. I want to be supportive but part of me feels like she is just giving up.

Feeling especially ugly lately. Not that I don't always do, but especially nasty lately. I think I need to start writing again. Help my self esteem a little.

Greens
Circle I Limbo

DMV Employees
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Militant Vegans
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Stupid Chicks who think everyone wants to be like them
Circle IV Rolling Weights

PETA Members
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Bill Clinton
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Homophobes
Circle VII Burning Sands

Democrats
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Bigots
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Here I Am

Sat, 27 Sep 2003 19:30:46 GMT

My Great-Uncle died last week. When I told people, they were sorry but just kind of slightly so. I don't think to most people a great uncle is considered a close relative, but then most people probably don't have a family like mine. I'd known my Uncle Jerry since I was a baby, I saw him almost every Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, once a year at a family reunion and in recent years randomly every couple weeks when he would stop by my uncles' farm. Every since my grandpa died, and especially since my grandma died he's been a pretty big part of my family. He always came down to check on my uncles, to see how things were going. My family is close like that and Jerry, like my grandpa believed there was nothing more important than family. I'm really lucky to have the family I do. I'm very close to my mom's side. Besides knowing all her brothers and sister (of course), I know her aunts and uncles, their spouses, all of my mom's cousins, and their children. We all get together at least 3 or 4 times a year. Almost all of them came to my graduation open house thing, I get the feeling most families aren't like that, from talking to friends. I don't know, maybe my friends just don't have families like that.

Uncle Jerry was one of the most generous people in the world. If you needed something, you always knew you could go to him. I kind of thought of him as a surrogate grandfather since mine died. There was nothing he loved more than family get togethers, plaing Euchre and Baitley. He worked hard, and played hard and I hope he knew, and knows how many people loved him and will miss him.

On less depressing notes,

I switched my advisor to Internation Relations and will go in to declare as soon as possible. Unfortunately my advisor is absolutely insane. I could go on and on but suffice to say he is an old, crazy, Socialist.

Tonight my friends and I are having a sex party. No, not an orgy. We're going to have aphrodisiac like foods, licorice and chocolate and other yummy treats like cupcakes. Drink drinks like Sex on the Beach and Pink Pussycat, read my friends' skeazy sex books and generally talk raunchy. It'll be a blast.

Au Revoir.

New Layout

Thu, 18 Sep 2003 18:43:44 GMT

Well, I hope "everyone" likes my new layout. It's just a little different. I haven't posted in a while, things have been going on. For examply, tonight is the first meeting of the College Republicans on my campus, which my friend and I started. *bows* thank you very much. Hopefully all will go well.

Thinking more and more about majoring in International Relations. I do love other cultures and politics and things like that. Hm. This Sat. I am going home for awhile, two of my friends are coming with me. My mom's making meatballs for my uncle's b-day that day, so we get to eat them. These are the best freaking things in the world. Yum, man.

My kitten, Pip, was declawed and neutered on Monday so I have to go and comfort him as well. Poor baby.

Majors

Sun, 31 Aug 2003 01:29:12 GMT

Well I've been having a lot of problems over the last, oh, year and a half trying to decide on a major. I've been thinking about Psychology lately, but wasn't too excited about it. Now I'm finally considering something I am thinking could be fun, and interesting. International Relations. I've already decided to minor in French, and looking over the requirements and career options, etc this just seems like something I would really enjoy. I've also been thinking I could take some classes in Russian at the UW, since they aren't offered here. Hm.

Popsicles and Death

Sat, 16 Aug 2003 20:56:26 GMT

God I hate summer sometimes. It should not be allowed to get into the 90s here. I mean how are we expected to live through sub zero temperatures and then be this hot in the summer? Can we please have some middle ground? I'm supposed to be packing to move back to school today but I don't like to move. I am fine just sitting here in front of the fan.

All I want to do is eat popsicles and die. I hate the heat. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I am never moving any more south than I am right now. Why can't we have AC?

I hate Subjects

Wed, 13 Aug 2003 01:38:11 GMT

I hate the subject line. I can never think of anything good to put there. Bastard Subject line...

So I took my brother to see SWAT a couple days ago. Pretty good movie, not my new favorite or anything but better than being at home. A couple minutes into the movie four girls and a guy come and sit in front of us, irritating in its own right as this theater did not have stadium seating. But then they start talking. And by talking I do not mean theater whispers, I mean just plain frickin' talking. And giggling. That stupid incessant giggling that is only capable of being done by stupid high school girls without a brain cell in their little blow dried heads. And they keep switching seats with each other. So for the next twenty minutes this continues. I give them a couple of loud SHHH!!s, because as much as I talk I am generally not a confrontational person. They wouldn't shut up though. So I did something I admit I have never done to a stranger before. I leaned forward and said, "Shut the fuck up." And this little bitch looks back and me and says in this snotty voice. "No." So I say "This is a goddamn movie theater, now shut your fucking mouth. Jesus fucking Christ this isn't fucking school or something."

They shut up. And any other little laughs or attempted whispers, my brother kicked the back of their seats. Damn. I must be scary.

Fucking Fandoms

Thu, 07 Aug 2003 08:31:20 GMT

God I am so sick of being a rabid shipper. And a fanfic addict as well. This combination leads to nights filled with much hair pulling as I begin another futile search for fanfiction that I have not read. Currently I am combing through the X-Men Movieverse Fandom trying to find some Scott/Rogue. This is difficult. Very. Worse than trying to find Max/Zach in Dark Angel world. Also trying to find Bobby/St. John which is easier but I think I've found it all dammit. If I have to comb through one more fucking Logan/Rogue page I am going to yak all over my keyboard. (Why is it that I inherently despise popular ships where one of the pair is named Logan? *shrugs* good taste I guess.) I need some new search engines. And Charlie/Adam? Oh, freaking forget it. I'll chew on the ff.net fics, but the majority are kibble.

Mom and brother left for two days, thank god. Peace and quiet how I adore thee.

A Pirate's Life For Me

Tue, 05 Aug 2003 18:43:23 GMT

Pirates of the Caribbean!

What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Heh heh, that's cool.

Pillow.

Mon, 04 Aug 2003 06:52:50 GMT

My pillow is missing. Seriously. And only my pillow. Not the pillow case, just the pillow. I go into the room I am staying in and my pillow is gone. Ok. So I go to my cousin's room to see if it's in there and there, on the bed, is my pillow case. My empty pillow case. There are three girls sleeping in this room. I wake one up, where is my pillow. Random mumbling, no answer. Wake up other girl, where is my pillow? No idea. Poke at the things under their heads, none of them are my pillow. How is this possible? Went to see my dad, my pillow is not in his room either. Why would someone have taken my pillow in the first place? They have their own fucking pillows. And why take the pillowcase off? To hide the crime of course.

Is someone, somewhere doing nasty things to my poor, naked pillow? I bet so. I am seriously bewildered. Why take off the pillowcase? Is it some sick souvenir of their crime? Like murderers taking a necklace, or an earring? I don't care. I JUST WANT MY DAMNED PILLOW!!

It my seem petty, but I need my pillow to sleep. I need it. And it's 2 in the morning, and for some strange reason I am almost in tears over this. It's like I'm five and someone stole my blankie.

There will be hell to pay tomorrow morning if someone has not found my pillow.

Hungover.

Sat, 02 Aug 2003 21:35:01 GMT

So I made it up to MN last night. My best friend's parents are out of town so she had some people over. I knew none of them, and they looked a bit like freaks to me. Anyway I got pretty toasted. Was pretty fun. Slept very well. However stomach is not doing so well. I wish I got headaches instead. I hate feeling sick to my stomach. No throwing up, just that queasy feeling.

On a better note, I got a job! Filing loose elements for Medical Records at the UW Hospital. My roommate works there, so it should be good. 10.19 an hour. Much better than anything else I was interested in,

the human body, and my mother

Wed, 30 Jul 2003 16:45:57 GMT

I'm going up to Minnesota to my dad's for a week. I feel kind of bad, because whenever I make it up there I spend most of my time with my best friend and I'm not sure if my dad gets sad that I don't spend as much time at home. I can't help it, I mean I hardly ever see Michelle and so when I get to, we have to pack everything into a couple days. And I love my dad to death, really I do, but it's hard when you really don't have that much in common. All we would do is watch TV really, and I find it impossible to watch TV with either of my parents. Even though I'm 19, I want to die when there is a kiss or love scene on and I am with them. And sex scene? Just give me a gun. I can't help it, I've just never been able to talk about that kind of thing with my mom, much less my dad.

For crying out loud I didn't even tell my mom I got my period until she found out herself like two years later. She tried explaining the birds and the bees to me in like 5th grade or something. Unfortunately I had found out in like kindergarten when some girl explained it all to me. Even then I did not feel the urge to go to my mother and verify everything. And if my mom ever mentions sex, in reference to me having it. *shakes head* I might spontaneously combust. I'm really open about it with everyone else, I mean my floor had a month long random discussion about fisting started by my friend and I when we stole another friend of mine's psycho BDSM Sleeping Beauty books and read the especially freakish parts to one another. But with my family? I don't. think. so.

For a while I actually think my mom thought I was a lesbian or asexual or something. Because she was constantly like. "Oh, Kate doesn't like guys much." or "Oh, Kate's not really into boys yet." I was 18 for heaven's sake! Of course I was into guys at that point. I just do not feel the need or the ability to go to my mother and discuss who I think is attractive. Plus the fact that I rarely get crushes because most guys that I have met my age still act like they're five, but that's beside the point. She saw a pictue of James Marsden I was editing, so hopefully that will have assuaged any lingering doubts about my attraction towards men.

Agh.

Survey

Tue, 29 Jul 2003 01:05:07 GMT

Got this from lucky44.

Last phone call: Michelle
Last car ride: Two days ago.
Last good cry: I really don't know
Last library book checked out: I checked like nine out the last time I went.
Last movie seen: "Pirates of the Carribean"
Last book read: "A Breach in the WaterShed"
Last cuss word uttered: Probably Damn or Hell. I used them like they were and or something.
Last beverage drank: Diet A&W Cream Soda
Last food consumed: Pizza
Last TV show watched: Monk
Last time showered: 3:30
Last shoes worn: lime green flip flops
Last CD played: Fallen by Evanescence
Last item bought: A cake for my aunt's shower.
Last downloaded: Various songs by the Gin Blossoms
Last annoyance: My mother.
Last disappointment: Life itself
Last soda drank: Diet Cream Soda
Last thing written: Something on F4F
Last key used: Car Key
Last words spoken: "Henry hates you." To my mom, about a kitten.
Last sleep: Last night.
Last IM: Lucky last night.
Last ice cream eaten: I stole some of my brothers Butterfinger Blizzard, there is ice cream in that.
Last time amused: Watching Monk.
Last time wanting to die: Um. I don't know
Last time hugged: I don't remember.
Last time resentful: Today, when reading someone complaining about too many job offers.
Last chair sat in: My computer chair.
Last lipstick used: Um, lipstick. I don't know what it's called. It was a free gift.
Last underwear worn: Green low waist ones with a little bow...
Last bra worn: *looks* it's kind of hot pink and flower and it has hot pink lace.
Last time dancing: My aunt's shower.
Last poster looked at: Uh. A random one at Wal*Mart?
Last web page visited: RoswellFanatics.net

1 MINUTE AGO: I was doing this survey.
1 HOUR AGO: I was eating dinner
1 DAY AGO: I was online
1 WEEK AGO: I was online
1 YEAR AGO: I was doing something I cannot possibly remember.

I HURT: When I bite my tongue.
I LOVE: My family, my kitties, my friends, chocolate.
I HATE: Everyone. No, people with no common sense.
I FEAR: Spiders, bugs, and looking stupid.
I HOPE: too much.
I HIDE: my feelings.
I DRIVE: '98 light blue Chevy Malibu
I MISS: My friends
I NEED: Vodka. Lots of it.
I THINK: constantly.

Gee.

Sun, 27 Jul 2003 07:22:49 GMT

Well, I went to my aunt's bachelorette party tonight. Yikes. Talk about weird. How about bar hopping with your mom, two of your aunts and a bunch of 30 something women you don't know, and then going to a dance club with said women where one of your aunts proceeds to try and set up your mother with various strange men while she waves around a penis straw, and your other aunt is wearing a gag veil decorated with condoms and plastic penises.

It's a good thing I had a couple drinks, because even with some vodka in me it was painful. Seriously wish I could have brought a friend. Tried, but they were all busy. Stupid girls.

On another note, the dance place would have been fun if not for my company. Because I seriously could not just start dancing dancing, in front of my mom. Never been to a club before. Maybe I'll have to convince some of my friends to go with me. Some cute guys there. Didn't look at me of course.

I've decided there is something seriously wrong with me. When you are 19 and have never even been frickin' flirted with or checked out, much less kissed or dated a guy there is something wrong with you. So either I am heinously ugly, very intimidating, or have serious personality flaws. Wish I knew which one it was. Maybe it's all of them. In that case I think I need to resign myself to a life full of having a cat as a significant other. Damnit. Seriously wishing I wasn't one of those stupid girls who wants a boyfriend. But I guess everyone wants that closeness and intimacy sometimes, ya know.

Frick.

Rawr.

Sat, 26 Jul 2003 07:49:29 GMT

God. I'm a huge, dumb, lizard. Wonderful for the self-esteem.

Hell. Yes.

Sat, 26 Jul 2003 07:28:14 GMT

Ok, now I am not usually an arrogant person. However, I just redid the layout here and I think it looks pretty fuckin' cool. At least it does in my browser. No idea if it is coming out right in everyone else's, but I am currently basking in my own brilliance.

(This was a big deal for me, let me enjoy it before you all let me know how really simply it is for everyone else to do.)

another

Wed, 23 Jul 2003 23:10:39 GMT

Why is it that everyone else can do these fricking cuts, but it never works for me? Oh LJ why do you hate me... I still can't find the other fic. It was an angsty thing about Zach's mom on X-Mas...

Adam Banks flopped back on his bed with a heavy sigh. Half of him was elated that school was started and he would get to be with his friends again and the other half of him was dreading it because while he didn’t mind school, it was still school after all. And then there was the sweet torture he had to endure… His eyes glanced around his room. He was completely unpacked and everything was neatly placed into it’s correct spot. No one would ever say that Adam Banks was not organized.

His roommate, Dwayne, had yet to arrive from Texas so Adam had just randomly picked which bed to take. He didn’t think it would be much of a problem. Adam was rather relieved at his assigned roommate. He had been dreading all summer that Charlie and he would end up sharing and while that would be fun at the same time it was far too dangerous.

He pulled his class schedule from his pocket and looked it over. Honors. Everything was fucking honors. He groaned and set it on the bedside table. Just for once he would have liked to be able to do have it a little easy, have a break. His father had hit the roof when Adam mentioned he would like to take an art class.

“My son does not take art classes! They’re for idiots, wimps, slackers and girls! Are you a girl, Adam? Huh? Colleges don’t look for art classes, they look for math, science, English.” His father had shouted. Adam had just looked down at his plate, murmuring that it was just an idea. A stupid idea. School and Hockey. Those were the only things that mattered to Adam’s father and Adam had to be the best in both.

Meanwhile his mother had just downed her glass of wine and poured another to the brim. She didn’t even blink when her husband had shouted at the top of his lungs directly into the face of her youngest son. No, she had just stood up shakily and walked away from her half eaten meal, wine glass in her hand into the sitting room. She was passed out by eight o’clock and Adam had carried her into her bedroom. She had smiled lopsidedly and touched his cheek.

“You’re such a sweet boy, Adam. We should do something tomorrow, hm? Just you and me.” Then she had closed her eyes and went back to sleep. She hadn’t taken him anywhere the next day. He hadn’t imagined she would. She had a martini in her hand by eleven o’clock. Which was only a half an hour after she’d woken up, whining about how her husband never paid her any attention. She was always a little angry until she’d had at least two drinks. Adam tried to stay away, as much as he could.

He wished he could run away like his brother. Eric had left when he was eighteen, and Adam only ten. He hadn’t been back in six years. He sent a card on Christmas, and Adam had talked to him on the phone when he’d played in the Goodwill games. Part of him hated his brother for running away, and the other part envied him. Adam knew he would never have enough courage to leave. He was caught in the web of his family’s making. He just wished, for one second that his father would place a hand on his shoulder and say he was proud of him. He was always proud of Eric, always told Adam that he should be more like his brother. But Eric had left, and Adam was still there. Didn’t that count for anything?

All he knew was that he had to play hockey. As long as he had hockey he would be able to deal with anything. Hockey was his release, his passion, and he knew he was good at it. But was he good enough? The minors were tough, and it was hard to get in. You had to be the best, better. Good wouldn’t cut it. Good was playing on the local pickup game and having everyone slap you on the back and buy you drinks. If you were the best maybe you got to play a little bit of college hockey. To go further than that though…you had to be better than the best and Adam didn’t know what he would do if he couldn’t make it.

If he couldn’t play hockey what else was there that he could do? Go into law like his dad? Not in a million years, Adam wasn’t too big on talking and definitely not on having to deal with his father in any way in any profession. Besides hockey he didn’t really have any passions…everything else was just there. He didn’t understand how some people could be so happy about everything, to him life was just shades of gray and in the middle of it there was this bright red splash. Hockey, and slowly creeping into the realm of color was Charlie. But Adam wasn’t alive like that, he had no real passion.

Not like Charlie. Charlie was passionate about everything. Everything he did was bright and powerful. Whether it was in anger or fun or exasperation, he was like fire. Warm and changeable and burning. Adam could still remember the first time he met Charlie. Way back when he first joined the ducks. Charlie was the first to befriend him, the first to try and accept him. Adam hadn’t really understood his kindness. He was used to living in a household of manipulation and being on a team of kids who were probably going to grow up to be just like their cold, ambitious parents.

He was Adam’s best friend. Without a doubt. He didn’t know if Charlie felt the same way about him but Adam had never doubted that Charlie was his best friend. Which was probably why his snub when Adam got promoted to Varsity freshman year had stung so much. Charlie and the ducks were the only people in Adam’s life that he thought actually cared about him…and they had just ditched him. It wasn’t his fault he made varsity, how was he supposed to say no to that? To a step up to his dreams?

He’d been welcomed back into their folds though, with many apologies. And then together they had beaten varsity. It had always felt like together they could do the impossible, and had many times. And then, in the midst of the cheering the crowd had broken away and Adam had seen them. Charlie and some girl, kissing. He remembered his heart falling to his stomach and shattering into a million tiny pieces. He didn’t think he had even been aware of his feelings until that moment. Until that crushing moment. He’d skated away and escaped to his room, curled up on his bed, trying to understand, trying to figure out his jumbled mind.

And then it had come clear. He loved Charlie Conway. Not as a teammate, or only as a best friend, but truly loved him. Everything about him, even the way he sometimes forgot to change his shirt for a day or two. The way he went through life never holding back, his messy, curly hair and his crooked grin.

But none of that had mattered. Charlie had begun dating that girl, Linda as Adam had later found out and was still with her as far as Adam knew. He hated her. Adam hated her more than he had ever hated anyone. He kept his secret well though and smiled at her and Charlie, congratulated them on their one year anniversary, listened to Charlie talk about her and the whole time as his chest was burning with pain he just smiled and laughed. Like a friend does.

He couldn’t hide from himself though. Every time Charlie walked past him, or smiled at him, or even passed momentarily across his view Adam got butterflies in his stomach. Just thinking about him gave Adam a warm feeling in his chest, and a painful twist in his stomach. It was times like that Adam realized he could never tell Charlie how he felt. Because Charlie could never accept it, and Adam needed him even if it couldn’t be in the way he really wanted. He needed him as a friend far more than he needed Charlie to know his feelings, Adam could not stand to lose the first and best friend he had ever had. Even though it was painful, he had begun to live for those precious moments with Charlie as much as he did for hockey.

He laughed a little. Who would have thought that Adam Banks would find something as important to him as hockey? Maybe that’s why he clung to it so much. It was the love that he could actually have.

~*~

Charlie Conway looked out the window of his mother’s car at the passing houses. She was talking to him about something or another, he thought he caught something in there about her missing him and wishing he would live at home and go to school. He rolled his eyes a little. Like he was going to stay there with her jackass of a husband. Charlie touched his healing shoulder softly. Bastard had pushed him into a dresser. It wasn’t that big of a deal or anything, Charlie had received worse injuries playing around with his friends. Still it pissed him off that the bastard thought he could push him around. Apparently he thought Charlie was an arrogant little punk that needed to be brought down a peg or two.

Charlie didn’t say anything to that, or to the fact that if he wanted to bring him down a peg or two, pushing him into a dresser wasn’t really going to accomplish anything. He’d been dealing with bullies his entire life. It didn’t really matter though. He was going back to school, back to the ducks. He smiled a little, not letting his mother see. She wouldn’t be happy to know he was so thrilled to get away from her.

“Charlie?” He looked over to realize they were stopped at a light and his mom was staring at him.

“Yeah?” He answered, pretending to have been listening. She sighed a little.

“I asked if you were planning on spending a little more time with your school work this year.” She asked patiently, searching his face. He sighed.

“Mom, I got a B average last year didn’t I? It’s a requirement for being on the team.” He told her, she knew this, why was she asking? She shook her head a little.

“You’re such a smart boy. I know you could get better than that if you tried. If you just worried a little less about hockey and a little more about school…” she trailed off, turning back to the road and pushing on the gas.

“Mom, a B average is fine. I mean if I get picked up by some scouts they aren’t going to mind that. And if I want to get good enough to be scouted I have to keep practicing.” He furrowed his brow a little, why didn’t she get it?

“There is more to life than hockey.” She said. He groaned and let his head fall back.

“I know there is, I just want to be able to play. I do other things you know, I have friends. I just like hockey best. I’m guessing you wouldn’t be giving me this lecture if I were obsessed with chemistry or something.” He grumbled.

“You can make a career out of chemistry, Charlie.” She reminded him.

“You can make a career out of hockey too!” He exclaimed.

“Maybe.” Was all she said. This was getting old. Honestly. Most parents would be happy if their kids got B’s and were involved in extracurricular activities. He couldn’t help that he loved hockey. He knew most people didn’t understand it, even the others on the team. They didn’t see the beauty that he did in the game, except for Banksie of course. Charlie thought he was probably the only one that loved it as much as Charlie himself.

Maybe they’d be roommates. Charlie perked up a little with that. Adam was his best friend after all and they hadn’t been roommates freshman year, and the year before he’d been stuck with Goldberg. Charlie made a face at the memory. Yeah, rooming with Adam would be great.

Ten minutes later Charlie was groaning with disappointment. Right across from his name on the varsity hockey dormitory was the name ‘Guy Germaine.’ Figured. He’d probably spend half the year getting kicked out so Guy could spend some ‘quality’ time with Connie. He opened the door to the building and carried the first box down the hall to room 112. The door was open and it was empty so obviously Guy had yet to show up. Charlie picked the bed on the right instantly and set the box down on the floor before exiting to help his mom with the rest of the stuff. And hour and a half later he was settled in and hugging her goodbye.

She wiped her cheeks tearily and kissed his forehead. “Call me tomorrow and tell me how your first day was all right?” She told him.

“Yeah, sure Mom.” He said and gave her one last hug. She smiled tremulously and walked down the hallway back to the parking lot. Charlie sighed, his shoulders relaxing. Freedom. Kind of anyway. He turned around and looked back at the room, spying his skates and hockey gear immediately. He grinned and grabbed the bag and his stick, leaving for the rink.

He heard the sound of skates cutting across the ice before he saw the figure gliding across it. He grinned when he saw the name on the back of the jersey. Banks.

“Hey Banksie!” He called and Adam spun around and waved, starting to skate over. He stopped in front of Charlie and leaned on his stick a little.

“I should’ve figured that you would be the next one out here.” Adam grinned at his friend.

“Hey, it’s you and me Cake-Eater.” Charlie said with a conspiratory grin. Adam nodded and began to skate backwards. “I mean the others are probably going to quit playing after High School unless they get some college scholarship. But you love it like I do, huh Banksie?”

“They’ll have to pry this out of my cold, dead hands.” Adam said, shaking his hockey stick, talking with mock intensity. Charlie laughed and skated towards one of the pucks, scooping it smoothly and passing it to Banks.

They played for well over two hours. Just having fun, laughing, talking and messing around. It wasn’t rough, the only dive either of them took was Charlie when he was so busy laughing about something Adam had said, tripped over the edge of his stick and fell over. This was of course much more funny than what Adam had said and he was having a hard time helping Charlie to stand up, who was having quite a difficult time trying to stand up himself.

“What d’ya say we go get some chow?” Charlie asked, coming to a halt next to the sideboard.

“I could eat.” Adam shrugged, scratching his forehead.

“I can always eat.” Charlie grinned. Adam laughed and skated towards the exit.

“And it’s not a pretty sight either.” He said, stepping off. Charlie snorted.

“I’ve seen you dig in too, Banksie, so don’t talk.” Charlie rolled his eyes and they made their way towards the locker rooms to change into their street clothes. “Anyway, I noticed you’re living with Dwayne.”

“Yeah,” Adam shrugged. “It won’t be bad. Unless he plans on blasting country music all the time.”

“Better than listening to Guy whining about Connie when they’re fighting and getting kicked out of my room when they’re making up.” Charlie said with a groan. “I wish we could request rooms, then I could just sign up with you and not have to worry about it.”

“Hey, who says I want to live with you? No offense Spazway, but you smell.” Adam said, laughing and ducking away from Charlie’s swing.

“I don’t smell!” Charlie exclaimed, pushing the door open to the locker room.

“Sorry man, you do. Changing clothes is a good thing.” Adam lectured and went to where he’d put his bag. Charlie walked one row past him and Adam heard him snort.

“I have yet to hear complaints.” Charlie called over the lockers.

“Didn’t I just give you one?” Adam responded, pulling his shirt over his head. “Besides, doesn’t Linda ever encourage you to shower?” He asked, trying not to choke on her name. There was a slight pause.

“Actually we broke up a couple weeks ago.” Charlie said. He actually didn’t sound very broken up about it.

“Oh…sorry. You didn’t say anything.” Adam replied ackwardly, sitting down on the bench.

“Yeah well, it didn’t really matter. It’s been coming for awhile.” Was all he said and Adam heard clunking around as he changed. He tried not to let his heart beat too fast. No more Linda and her squirrel face and her stupid petitions and her anti-sports. How could Charlie ever have dated someone who basically hated everything he loved anyway? Adam tried to wipe the grin off his face as he grabbed his towel. It wasn’t like it gave him a better chance, but…no more having to watch Charlie kissing someone else. At least until he found another girlfriend, but it was better not to think about that.

He wrapped his towel around his waist and walked to one of the stalls and showered quickly. He was surprised to hear one of the others on as he finished and went to change. He was almost done when Charlie came out, towel around his waist.

“See I took your advice Banksie,” Charlie grinned. Adam tried not to look at the water rolling down his chest, and his strong arms and tan skin.

“They wont recognize you.” Was all Adam said and grinned at his friend who went to change. He waited while Charlie changed and then they grabbed their bags and left, heading for their building. Adam saw a couple people he knew from classes pass by, but none of them friends so he didn’t bother to stop and chat.

He sighed as the austere building came into view, Regent Hall. It was better than living at home, but honestly it was kind of a depressing sight. Next to him, Charlie picked up the pace and was jogging forward, Adam easily caught up with him.

“Hey Goldie!” Charlie yelled, stopping at the steps in front of the building. Adam blinked in surprise, he hadn’t even seen the hefty goalie. The whole world did tend to fade away a little when he was with Charlie however, so the feeling quickly dissipated.

Goldberg grinned and waved at his two teammates, lifting another bag out of his family’s station wagon.”Some help here guys?” He called.

Charlie rolled his eyes but went over to help his friend, Adam following shortly behind. “When did you guys get here?” Goldberg asked. Adam shrugged.

“Couple hours ago.” He replied.

“We played at the rink for awhile.” Charlie added, setting another bag down on the sidewalk. Goldberg sighed.

“You guys need lives.” He said, shaking his head and slamming the trunk.

“And we should take hints from you?” Charlie asked with a raised eyebrow. Greg sighed and waved his hand, going to say goodbye to his family. As they pulled away he turned back to his friends.

“I’ll have you know that I do have a life. Outside of hockey.” He said and bent down to pick a bag up.

“Sure, Goldie. You can tell me all about it while I carry Mr. Snuggle Hugs to your room.” Charlie said, waving a ratty old stuffed cat in Goldberg’s face. Adam laughed quietly, grinning even wider as Goldberg snatched the blue cat from Charlie’s hand.

“That’s sacred ground man.” He said, shaking the cat. Charlie just rolled his eyes and stacked a smaller box on a larger one. Adam bent down to help and the three of them started into the building. Goldberg was apparently rooming with Averman and luckily their room was close to the entrance. Adam could see Luis and Portman standing in the hallway at the other end and waved before he followed Greg and Charlie out to grab the next trip of things. Luckily Goldberg hadn’t brought much and it only took two trips.

“Hey, you’re not going to help me unpack?” He exclaimed as Adam and Charlie left.

“Sorry Goldie, you’re on your own.” Charlie grinned and tossed Goldberg a shirt that had fallen out of one of the open bags on the way in. Goldberg was still protesting as Charlie and Adam strolled down the hallway.

Dean and Luis were still standing in the hallway when Charlie and Adam started walking down. Luis waved at them and the two stopped to chat.

“Are you two hungry?” Charlie asked and both boys nodded immediately. “Is the cafeteria open yet?”

“I think so.” Adam said, looking at his watch. He looked up at the other three and they shrugged, it didn’t really matter to any of them where they ate.

“Well I vote we eat there. Number one reason, meal plan included in tuition, in other words free. Number two reason we’ll be here when everyone else shows up.” Charlie said, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Whatever man, as long as there’s food.” Portman grinned and the four set out for the cafeteria. It was in another building, something that was grumbled about often among the residents of Regent Hall. However the distance between the two buildings was almost nonexistent so it was not a long walk in the slightest. As Adam had predicted it was open and serving and the smell of meatloaf and mashed potatoes greeted them at the door.

“Ok, maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.” Charlie said, wrinkling his nose. Adam rolled

Snippet Again

Wed, 23 Jul 2003 22:56:01 GMT

Ok, found another one...And Remember, these are all raw and unedited.

“Hey Fred, how about that map now?” Oliver asked, flopping down on a couch in front of the roaring fire in the Gryffindor common room. Fred looked up from the Potions text he was reading.
“Yeah sure, got it right here.” He reached into his robes and pulled out a blank piece of parchment. “You’re lucky you’re Captain. The only reason I’m doing this is so I don’t get thrown off the team.” The red head said with a grin, handing the parchment over to Oliver.
“Yeah, yeah. Now how does it work?” Oliver inquired, leaning in and unrolling the blank piece of paper. “Because it doesn’t look very handy at the moment.”
“When you want to use it you just tap it with your wand and say, ‘I solemnly swear I am up to no good.’ When you’re done do the same thing and say, ‘Mischief managed.’ Got it?” Fred explained.
“I think I can remember that.” Oliver smiled and slapped Fred on the shoulder. “I’ll see you later.” With that he stood up and walked at a comfortable pace to the stairway.
“What’s this? I help you and I don’t even get a game of Exploding Snap out of it?” Fred yelled over. Oliver turned around and grinned.
“I think you need the studying more,” he said and waved, striding up the stairs.
Percy was probably studying in the library which was good. Oliver didn’t want Percy to see him spending too much time getting ready for their…thing. It was only 8:00 but he figured he’d need at least an hour. He shut the door firmly behind him when he entered he and Percy’s room. Striding toward his armoire he opened it and looked at the contents. As he grew up a muggle he had a large selection of muggle clothes. He figured it would be a nice touch. He reached in and pulled out a burgundy sweater, after looking it over for a moment he tossed it on the bed behind him. A black turtleneck followed, then a blue dress shirt, a green sweater, a white long sleeved t-shirt, a light blue pullover, a pair of black dress pants, a pair of khakis and a pair of blue jeans. After making sure there was nothing left that he was going to consider he walked over to his bed and started separating them out. After a half an hour of intense deliberation and countless combinations he decided on the dark blue dress shirt over the white t-shirt and the khakis. He set them aside and put the clothes back.
Sniffing his armpits he recoiled. Maybe he shouldn’t have skipped that shower after practice. He left the clothes on the bed and went into the bathroom. It was a nice bathroom by any standards. Not anything like he imagined the Prefect’s and Head’s bathrooms to be like, but nice enough. There was a rather large marble bathtub and a shower. The towels were always warm and there were two cupboards, one for Percy and one for him. Oliver quickly stripped out of his school robes, dropping them haphazardly on the floor. Somehow they always seemed to pick themselves up. He didn’t think twice about it and reached in to adjust the shower water. Once it was the perfect temperature, just cool enough not to scald him he stepped in.
He sighed deeply, feeling the water roll down his body. He just stood there for a moment, enjoying the warmth and breathing in the rising steam. It entered his lungs, thick and damp. He loved the feeling, like standing in a hot cloud, the outside world didn’t really exist. There was only warm water and a thick embracing steam. Knowing he had plenty of time he reached languidly for the shampoo and squirted some into his hand. He rubbed his hands together and reached up to massage it through his short hair. He unconsciously spiked it up like his mother did when she bathed him as a child. Once he worked up a foamy lather he rinsed it out, feeling the soap run down his face. Conditioner followed and he left it in his hair while he scrubbed his body with a grainy bar of soap, making sure to get all the dirt and sweat built up by Quidditch practice. He ran his hand over his chest once, pretending it was Percy’s, then snatched it away and quickly rinsed the conditioner from his hair and turned the water off.

He grabbed a warm towel from the rack and dried himself off, running the fluffy crimson towel over Quidditch toned muscles. He laughed a little as the embroidered lion on the towel tried to bite him and tossed it into the corner. Before entering the bedroom he checked to make sure it was empty. No need to scare Percy totally out of his wits. Oliver was much more modest than most people would probably attribute to him. The twins always laughed at how he’d insist on changing in separate rooms from everyone else. His response was to tell them to sod off.

The room was thankfully empty though so Oliver’s modesty wasn’t an issue. He walked gracefully over to the bed and pulled on the outfit he’d chosen, adding on a pair of boxers with quaffles flying across them. For some reason his mother had also managed to get him a pair that had quaffles flying through the hoops. He’d staunchly refused to wear them, explaining to her that the mere thought of wearing such an abomination would distract him all day. Honestly, quaffles going through the hoops? She told him to pretend it was his team that was scoring but that was physically impossible and he’d shoved them to the bottom of his drawer. They’d only stayed there a week before he burned them. Bad luck to have a thing like that around, might jinx something. He’d done it at nighttime of course. No need to prove he was even more obsessive about Quidditch than his peers thought.

He shook his head a little, laughing at himself and sat down on the bed to pull his socks on. This was when Percy entered. “We’re wearing muggle clothes?” He asked in confusion. Oliver nodded.

“Yep. Muggles think it’s weird when guys go parading around in robes Perce.” Oliver grinned at his roommate. He had to admit, Percy was cute when he was bewildered. It wasn’t a sight often seen either. He looked away and bit his lip tightly, don’t think about it, Percy is your friend. Friend.

“Where exactly are we going?” Percy asked dubiously, shutting the door behind him when he realize anyone walking by could quite easily hear their conversation.

“The Junction House.” Oliver answered with a grin.

“And what the bloody hell is that?” Percy demanded, his face going a little red. He strode over towards his roommate, pursing his lips a little.

“Yikes Perce. Calm down. Where did you think we were going?” Oliver asked, standing up and walking around his friend.

“The Three Broomsticks, where you told me we were going.” Percy said with exaggerated patience, sitting down on the spot Oliver had just vacated. Oliver smiled ruefully and scratched his head.

“Yeah well I kind of thought of a problem with that while I was in Potions today.” He told Percy as he grabbed a comb and began to run it through his short hair. Percy just raised his eyebrows. “Well everyone down there knows we’re Hogwarts students and I am guessing they wouldn’t be too keen on serving us alcohol. You must’ve wondered about that.” Oliver explained.

“I figured you had it covered.” Percy said simply and Oliver’s heart almost squeezed in half. He had to hold back from whispering a breathless, ‘Really?’ Percy had figured he had it covered. Percy trusted him to take care of it. He put the comb down, telling himself it was not that big of a deal. Trying to will himself to believe that he didn’t really care that much. Luckily he only had to convince himself.

“Oh,” was all he said, blushing slightly. “Well I didn’t really think about it honestly.”

“So, how are we supposed to get to this, Junction House?” Percy asked after a moment, standing up and walking to his own closet. Oliver almost fell over.

“You mean you’ll still go?” He questioned, mouth hanging open slightly. Percy gave him a reproachful look.

“I said I would didn’t I?” He pulled a gray sweater and a pair of black pants out of his closet. “These are really the only respectful muggle things I have, will they do?” Oliver just nodded in response and Percy went over to his bed to change. Oliver turned away for this, pretending to put on some deodorant and other good hygiene products.

Snippets

Wed, 23 Jul 2003 22:50:25 GMT

So I have all of this little snippets of fics I've written over the past like ten months. I'm putting a couple of them up just to see if anyone thinks they are worth adding onto. Wait. Who am I kidding. Lucky is the only one that comes here. *waves* Gah...I thought I had snippets, plural, but I can't fricking find two of them. Bastards. I'll keep looking.

She moved with a fluid grace, arms punching with strength that shouldn't have been able to lie in her small body. Her eyes were blank on the surface, focused only on the task at hand. Him. Their eyes were locked as they kicked and parried, struck with lightning moves in a parody of a death fight. There were others in the room but they were not acknowledged they did not exist in this moment. There were a few times when everything came together like this, when they were exactly what they had been trained from birth to be, in such perfection that it would have brought tears to the eyes of their creators had they been witness. Then with one sweeping kick she was down and his hand was at her throat. His eyes stayed locked on hers, cold eyes, ice eyes.

"Kill." He said quietly and the moment was over. She nodded and he straightened, holding back a helping hand since Lydecker was watching. She rolled on her back and was on her feet in an instant. He could see the animation in her eyes; she enjoyed these moments, not for the fighting but for the rare moment that they could exist in that small world. He thought not for the first time how beautiful it made her look, alive for a moment. An individual instead of a number.

She noticed the unfamiliar look and cocked her head to the side slightly, trying to figure out what it meant. Different, but not unpleasant she decided. In fact it almost reminded her of the look she and the other females received from the guards sometimes. Though devoid of the repulsive feeling it gave her.

"Showers!" Lydecker yelled and Max jumped from her musings, the room was immediately separated into 4 groups. They left the room with precise movements, synchronized steps. The first two groups, Beta-F and Beta-M broke off and left Alpha-F and M to advance further down the corridor. These two groups separated into barracks across from each other without a look. Once the doors were closed they relaxed slightly and began conversing.

"I don't like the new sleeping arrangements." Brin frowned, referring to the separation between the better of the X5 group and the lesser, and then the genders.

"I still don't see why it needed to be done." Min complained as she removed her sweaty tank top and tossed it into a large gray receptacle.

"The doctors were worried about our hormones getting out of control. We're getting older and they didn't want sexual attraction to interfere with our training." Tinga informed them all calmly.
"That's ridiculous, we're family they should realize it isn't like that." Min retorted. Tinga shrugged and began to undress. Max followed suit and entered the showers that were connected to their barracks. There were eight faucets, four on each wall and four soap dispensers, two on each wall. Each took her usual spot and carefully washed the grime and sweat of the day off.
"Did you do a bug sweep?" Niz motioned with her hands; Max nodded and pumped a handful of soap from the dispenser.
"They haven't bugged us in a year," Jondy commented with slight surprise at the fact.
"They know we aren't going to try anything. It's a matter of trust." Tinga replied, and they all nodded in agreement. Max finished first and squeezed the last bit of water from her short-cropped hair. Night was her favorite part of the day, and since she hardly needed any sleep she could enjoy almost all of it, the slight freedom of being able to just lie and think without being ordered around. She reentered the barracks and slid into a pair of gray cotton pants and a tank top of the same drab color.
The dim moonlight cast shadows across the room, accentuating the almost anesthetic feeling to it. It was frozen, Max thought almost numbly, falling into an almost depression that hit her sometimes. Frozen like Manticore always was and she was almost completely frozen too. She wondered if it was warm on the outside, wondered if the sun could break through the walls there. The other girls began to come out of the shower and Max tried to snap out of her thoughts. She knew it bothered them when she was like that, frightened would probably be a better term. They were always slightly worried she would try something, though Max knew she wouldn't. She couldn't survive outside of Manticore and as cold as it was, she was cold too and she belonged there. Probably.

"Four hours," Niz murmured as she crawled into bed and fell almost instantly to sleep.

"Four hours," Jondy repeated with a grumble. She hated nighttime as much as Max loved it, the inactivity too against her natural instincts. She crawled in bed along with the others though and tried to sleep. Max watched their breathing even out, their chests falling in subconscious synchronization. As always it left her and Jondy to lie in silence for the short sleeping period until the morning revelie woke the rest up.

"I hate mornings," Niz groaned four hours later as the alarm rang. She was as much of a natural hibernator as Max and Jondy were insomniacs. She was trained well though and jumped up and went to the foot of her bed for the camouflage pants, olive green t-shirt and heavy black boots that were the standard dress of the entire X5 series. Five minutes later the door buzzed open and they left in the same orderly line that they had entered, meeting up with Alpha-M and heading for the classroom.

Max watched the back of Zach's head as he walked further up in the line, remembering the day before and the look he had given her. He twitched slightly, feeling the eyes on him and she looked away before anyone noticed. There was an unfamiliar woman standing in the front of the classroom. Not only was she unfamiliar in face, she was unlike anyone any of them had ever seen in posture, attitude and dress. She was wearing what looked like pants sewn together in the front and the back, a shirt of a flimsy material, impractical shoes and ornaments on her neck, ears, wrists and fingers. They did their best not to stare as they took their seats, hands fisted atop the desks.

The woman was equally fascinated with the children, their expressionless faces, and synchronized movements. She knew they must be curious about her but nothing showed in their eyes, they sat silently awaiting her move. She smiled at them instinctively; not realizing it was so rarely done it almost caused a few of them to jump.

"My name is Maureen McGuire, I have been recruited to oversee your instruction on social integration. I'll be showing and explaining to you how people live in civilian day to day life over the next few months." She talked so kindly it was foreign to their ears. Zach immediately narrowed his eyes, suspecting an ulterior motive. He made a mental note to watch her carefully. Tinga was enamored with the kindness in her eyes and wanted to trust her immediately despite what had been drilled into her from birth. Max's reaction was halfway between the two, sensing a compassion in the woman but not being able to trust her either.

"You are to follow Dr. McGuire's orders until further notice. If you do not the same punishment will be given as if you had disobeyed any other instructor or me. Is that understood?" Lydecker stated as he entered the room from his previous position in the hallway.

"Yes Sir!" Came the loud and unanimous reply.

"You have been instructed in the art of warfare and are the finest soldiers ever known. However being a soldier requires more than just combat. You also need to know how to blend into regular society. Dr. McGuire and her staff will teach you this. There will be more changes over this period and you will adapt to them." He continued and Maureen noticed the way the X5's eyes never left him when he was in the room. It was not an action of love she knew but most likely of fear. Never let an enemy from you sight.

She hadn't been sure what to expect when she accepted the job. They had explained to her the basics and had made her sign a contract swearing never to repeat what she witnessed within the walls of Manticore. The moment she met Colonel Lydecker she knew her life would be forfeit would she break that contract. She hadn't expected to want to, she figured they had been exaggerating when explaining the purpose of Manticore and the qualities their 'kids' possessed. They had not. She had been witness to their training the night before and almost had not been able to believe what she was seeing. She knew she had to work with them in that moment if she had any doubts before. Even if she could tell no one about her work here she had to be a part of these children.

Without another word, Lydecker turned and left the room. A moment later, Maureen began to speak again.

"I'll begin by telling you a little about what you will be expected to learn. You will be instructed on how to speak in a civilian manner, how to dress, act, walk, even facial expressions. The most trivial things can be the most important so be sure to pay attention to everything." She had never had such a silent and captive audience and it was slightly unnerving. She smoothed her honey blond hair self-consciously and reached for a disc.

"I have a video to start our first lesson. It's just a recording of normal people in everyday life. I want you to notice and remember everything that you find different, strange or remarkable and let me know at the end." She walked to the television in the corner and put the disc into the dvd player.

The group watched stone faced as the people appeared on screen. The first scene was a shopping mall, fluorescent lighting and signs flashed gaudily and people talked and laughed and walked chaotically. It was a complete madhouse to the young minds used to complete order. Jondy and a few others almost frowned in disgust at the waste of resources, their sharp eyes picked up half finished food being thrown away and impractical frippery being bought. Even Max, the most liberal thinking of the group flinched from the sight.

The scene switched to a park, a dog ran by followed by two young children and a broken leash. A young couple sat on a bench, their hands twisting together as they whispered in one another's ears. There was a blue and white plastic playground filled with laughing children while parents, older siblings and babysitters stood nearby.

It was more chaos and disorder but there was something in their faces, their eyes and smiles that rocked Max to her very core. She looked away, trying to relieve the pressure that was building in her chest but it didn't help. All she saw was Zane and Jondy, watching interested but not with the same wonder and pain that Max felt. She looked the other way and saw Tinga frowning slightly as if confused. Brin, Jace and Krit were wearing the same expressions Zane and Jondy had, interested but not moved. Max felt sick at the emptiness. Zach had his head slightly cocked to one side and when he caught Max's eyes for a moment she knew he saw the same wonder that she did. Zach, of all people. Their gazes broke and Max wondered once more if Manticore knew what it was doing. She didn't think they would accept all the change they were about to cause.

"Why would anyone want to live there?" Jace wondered that night. Their showers were taken and they were lying in bed, supposed to be sleeping.

"It seems like it's completely without rules." Brin replied, and the other girls began to give their opinions on the matter. It seemed to Max that only Tinga seemed slightly affected by the video.

"Did you see the way they smiled? They were all so happy." Tinga said quietly. There was a slight pause after that before Niz spoke up.

"Happiness is fleeting Tinga, those people have no purpose in life. They were just standing around, not contributing to anything."
"Didn't you see it though? There was something in their eyes, I know it." Tinga persisted, her voice pleading with her sisters to understand.

It was freedom, Max begged to say, but she was afraid and kept her mouth shut. They were free. You could see it in every step they took, in every small gesture they made. Those people didn't know real fear, they didn't have nightmares about being taken away in the night that were inspired by real possibilities. They were of themselves, they belonged to no one. Those people hadn't been numbers.

A similar talk was taking place in the barracks of Alpha-M and Zach was feeling the same need to be silent that Max was. The others wouldn't understand, they weren't ready to hear the things he would want to say. He hated the way the video made him feel though, he could remember the last time he had felt such a need for freedom. The sacrifice was too great, the chances for success were too little. Statistics flew thread his head while something in him yelled at him to forget the numbers, that he knew what he should do. Seventeen years of training prevailed over an inconsistent need to run though, so he lay silently in his bunk his mind filled with images of wonderful chaos.

"What do you think Dr. McGuire is going to show us today?" Zane wondered as Alpha-M dressed for their studies.

"I have no idea. It should be interesting however." Zach replied, pulling an olive green military t-shirt over his head.

"Interesting? I would have guessed you would think the entire course unnecessary." Zane commented in surprise. Zach pulled his heavy black boots on and responded.

"All we have ever seen is Manticore, knowing how potential enemies think is important as well as interesting. Now line up."

The single line was formed immediately and Zach buzzed them out of the room, waiting for Alpha-F. The group immediately reported to the training room where they took off their boots and stepped onto the mat for sparring. Once they were paired up they focused on their opponent completely. Zach trained his eyes on Krit, who was not pleased with the pairing. He knew he was no match for Zach and that it would only be a matter of time before he went down. It was a good lesson in humility however so he paid close attention nonetheless.

After a moment Zach struck and Krit parried at the last moment, beginning the familiar routine. The sounds of yelling filled their ears, as common to them as a mother's voice would be to a normal child. Lydecker and the other officers walked around, yelling out instructions, praise, reprimands.

"Jondy! Get your leg higher! At the head! Zane! What the hell kind of punch is that? Are you a soldier or a God Damn schoolgirl?"

Zach growled and pulled Krit off his feet, making him land on his hip ungracefully. Foot collided with chest and "kill" was softly but firmly uttered. It was a familiar position over the next two hours, not that Krit was without good moves and almost wins.

"Shower and report to Dr. McGuire's classroom!" Lydecker yelled and the mat was immediately vacated and they separated according to gender, showered, dressed and formed their lines once more.

She was waiting at the front of the room again, dressed once more in her impractical clothing. She smiled at them as the came in, still not used to the uncompromising looks they gave her in return.

Once they were all seated she pulled out another disc. "Language is one of the first thing a person notices about another. Therefore it will be the first thing we will work on so we can perfect it." She picked up a remoted and clicked play and the video began to play.

"This sucks." Jondy said, her strong, clipped voice at odds with the slang. She made a face of displeasure at the words, not liking the uncertain definition of them.

Zach raised an eyebrow at the comment. "What exactly 'sucks'?"

"We're supposed to get used to speaking in civilian terms. I was practicing." She said once more in the defined and precise speech they all spoke with normally.

"Just be sure you don't practice around Lydecker." He warned between mouthfuls of the bland meal they were all consuming.

"I know that much at least." Jondy snapped. Zach ignored her comment and kept eating.

"Do you think that after we'er finished with this course, Lydecker is going to be sending us out on the outside for missions?" Zane spoke up from a few seats down.

"I suppose that is what he is grooming us for. We're probably getting closer to being sent on missions." Zach responded.

"It's about time." Tinga added. "We've been being trained for this our entire lives. We're ready."

"I agree." Max said and somehow Zach knew it was more a desire to see something outside of Manticore than to complete a mission though certainly that was part of it.

"So basically the sooner we master the things Dr. McGuire is teaching us the sooner we will be doing what we were made to do."

"Exactly."

The three week language section of the program was completed within two weeks due to the extra effort that the X5's put in much to the delight of Lydecker and the rest of the Manticore staff. Dr. McGuire was sure it would be the easiest of the lessons though and prepared herself for more trying times ahead.

"As has been planned, we are going to start learning how to walk today. You all walk like soldiers. It's much too stiff and halted." She demonstrated the marching stance of the Manticore chimeras.

"You have to roll when you walk, swing your arms a little." She experimented by walking across the room. Zane raised an eyebrow and looked at Krit who would have grinned had he been any normal teenage boy.

"Tinga, come up here. Now I want you to walk across the room. Just how you normally would." The dark haired girl quickly complied, her steps sharp, back straight and head steady.

"Now I want you to relax. Let your shoulders droop a little, don't tense up your legs so much. Tinga did as she was told but her walk was ackward and not at all like what they had been shown. She frowned in displeasure and tried once more. It was slightly better but not a miraculous improvement.

"Don't worry, it'll come to you." Maureen said and asked her to sit down, calling up Zane. She explained the differences in male and female walking and that Zane and the other boys would not have to make changes as drastic as the girls would. Women weren't expected to walk military though it was accepted from men, women were supposed to be softer, gentler. One by one she worked with them. Some like Tinga had a lot of trouble but others took to it more naturally. Max was one of these.

"Ok, now remember walk lightly, don't march you're not supposed to be in the military." Most of the others were working on their own walks across the room but a couple were paying attention to see how she was doing. Zach couldn't help but stare as she sauntered across the room, her hips swaying gently.

Max felt his eyes on her and turned, catching his gaze quickly before he masked himself quickly, turning away. She looked a moment longer then turned away as well, making herself focus on the task at hand.

That night Max lay in her bed, cursing her insomniatic genes. After 20 minutes she knew she wasn't going to be able to fall asleep. She stepped silently out of her bed and crept towards the window. The high place. Though their shrine to the Blue Lady had long since been destroyed it was still a place of sanctuary. She was almost always the only one up here and was surprised to see Zach sitting on the edge of the building. She walked up slowly as to not startle him.

"Maxie." He said in greeting, recognizing her footsteps.

"Hi." She replied and sat down next to him. They didn't say anything for long moments, just enjoying the peacefulness of the night.

"I think a lot of the others are ill at ease with Dr. McGuire." She told him.

"She's different. She isn't like any of the other doctors here, I'm not quite sure if we should trust her yet." He replied.

"I like her." Max said quietly. "There have been so many changes lately, something must be happening. McGuire I can understand but the separation seems unnecessary."

"I can see the need for the new barracks." Zach replied after a moment.

"You can?" Max asked in surprise.

"Yes, I don't believe it would have been a good idea to continue living in such close quarters." His tone indicated that the topic was closed and she knew to say no more about it. They fell silent once more until Max brought up a topic she would never have if not for the comforting allure of the night.

"Do you ever wonder?" She asked quietly. Her sharp eyes focused on the dim lights of a city in the distance.

"Sometimes." Zach replied after a slight hesitation, knowing exactly what she was talking about. Max started in surprise, she hadn't expected him to answer. Zach was the perfect soldier; the thought of him wishing for more hadn't ever crossed her mind. Realizing the importance of him saying this to her she stayed silent, hoping he would continue.

"Late at night, or during runs. Torture training and underwater endurance tests. I think about it sometimes." He whispered, his eyes trained on the glow Max had been watching moments earlier. "I would lay in the sun, all day, just doing nothing." He whispered, feeling the chill that permeated every inch of Manticore, even in midsummer.

"I would take baths. Like the ones in the rehabilitation room, hours of hot baths for no reason." Max thought about the time she had pulled a muscle in her leg and had been allowed to soak it in the hot bath for almost a half an hour.

"I would sleep all night, and not have nightmares, or listen for the footsteps." Max hadn't realized he still had nightmares and held her breath at the trust he was placing in her. She feared the Colonel would come and disturb this fragile, soft moment, knowing the punishment and maybe even reindoctrine that they would have to go through if he ever learned of all they hid from him.

"I would let my hair grow long," Max said touching the curly dark hair that bounced wildly around her ears, much to the dismay of Lydecker who was a stickler of order. Zach looked from the lights to her, focusing on the soft locks.

"I think it looks fine," he said and reached out a hand to brush one off her cheek, it was a familiar action between all the X5s but the look in his eyes wasn't. Neither was the way he brushed his fingers down her cheekbone and drew his thumb a hairsbreadth over her lips. Her heart thudded in her chest and committed the tender look in his eyes to memory forever. The next moment it was gone and he jumped up in horror and strode for the pipe he used to climb there.

"I-," he couldn't finish and the next moment was out of sight.

Max stared at the spot he disappeared from with wide eyes, trying to decide what had happened. That hadn't been the Zach she knew, the big brother who had protected her her entire life. His eyes had been warm, for just an instant but they had been so warm... And he had touched her face so softly, so unlike the unyielding hands he displayed during training.

This was why the groups were being separated, because of the possibility of this. Max would have laughed if they knew how, by separating the groups they were only instigating the very things they were trying to prevent. Making them realize that they were different, not just brothers and sisters, comrades and fellow soldiers. If they only knew what really went on in the barracks, the hushed discussions and the secret thoughts that were never shared. Max couldn't even think of what would happen; or rather she didn't want to. She remembered well the punishment they had when the had tried to think of better things before and it had cost one of them their life...Eva... She shook her head free of the thought and stood up. She was a soldier, nothing more, ever.

Everyone except Jondy was fast asleep when Max climbed back into the room. She could feel her sister's eyes on her as she crawled back into her bed. Usually they would have turned towards each other and talked quietly until they were woken up for morning training but this night Max wasn't in the mood for it. She rolled to her stomach and closed her eyes, thinking she would sleep for a while and purge her mind of the turbulent thoughts that were running through it. She was asleep within a minute, though plagued with disturbing dreams of her brother that were not sisterly in the least.

"Are you ok Max?" Jondy asked the next morning. Max was sitting on her bed, staring at the wall as the others dressed.

"Yes. Fine." Max responded, obviously distracted by her thoughts.

"All right. You should get dressed, we're expected for weapons training in ten minutes."

"Right." Max sat a moment longer then stood up and dressed quickly, lining up with the others waiting to be let out of the room. They exited as soon as the light on the lock turned green, meeting up as they did for the last few months of these arrangements.

Max felt Zach's presence as he walked a couple feet away. It was like a burning pressure in her chest, and a tingle on her skin. She had to use all her willpower not to turn around and look at him. She was so focused on not looknig that she missed a step and stumbled. The TAC leader didn't notice but the other X5's heard the stumble and a few looked to make sure she was all right.

Krit looked over to see how Max was doing to find Zach watching her as well, and the look in his brother's eyes shocked him. What shocked him even further was that Max turned to look at Zach and there was something shared in their gaze that he never expected to see between any of his siblings. He felt a momentary surge of revoltion followed by a wave of anger. He would not let this happen. Whatever it was, it wasn't going to happen.

Zach's stomach dropped and rose again the moment her eyes connected with his. I know you, they said. I want to know you, they said. Know me, they asked. And he responded simply and deeply, Yes.

"Report to entrance D." The soldier barked. They all straightened a little more and marched a little more crisp, Lydecker would be at entrance D. Zach felt Max's hand brush against his softly as he changed to his spot at the front of the line and he was truly afraid for what might come.

Hi.

Tue, 22 Jul 2003 18:44:40 GMT

So I went to get my bridesmaid dress fitted yesterday. Suprisingly the only thing that needed to be altered was the hem. It does give me some serious cleavage though. I am thinking of hacking my chest off. Bloody things aren't good for anything anyway. Also made me slightly happy that both my aunt and my mom actually had to have their dresses let out. It's mean. I know. But hell, made me feel good because I didn't have to have it made bigger. *snicker*

I have flea bites from these frickin' kittens. I feel like a damn hillbilly. FF.net is being a bastard again and I want to write but I can't think of anything.

Thoughts

Sun, 20 Jul 2003 05:35:13 GMT

Well, I watched that show 'Dead Like Me' the other night. I'll be obsessed shortly, I already can see this. A couple things pissing me off, that could be easily solved by seeing the first three episodes. I do not, however, know how this can possibly happen in the near future.

1. Why the fuck does George have to work besides Reaping?
2. Assuming that crack-happy woman at her work is not dead, as if she were, then she would know that George's very dead reproductive organs did not need a PAP smear or any other such horrible prodedure.
3. Since crack lady is alive, and George is dead, why can said woman see George?
4. Why do dead people react to the physical world, i.e. eating, going crazy when condom full of drugs burst in their ass?
5. Where does she live? Some kind of grim reaper apartment building?

Show seems really cool. Yet, I'm confused.

Have to go to the bridal shower my great aunt is throwing for my aunt. Only female family members invited. Oh. God.

And I think my mom is either posessed, PMSing or going through menopause because I asked her a question and she fucking flipped out and told me not to talk to her. How does, "What smells like skunk?" deserve a: "Don't talk to me! I said I CAN'T HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYING!" and a "Just don't talk to me! Okay?! Why don't you pick up your shit?!"

Yeah. Considering, a. she was in the other room so she's definitely going deaf, b. I hadn't talked to her in an hour and a half so when did she previously say she couldn't hear me, and c. All that shit she was complaining about is my younger brothers.

Damn.